Your vigilant investigative reporters here at Worldwide Wacko Watch have had a busy week.
First, we have reports in of a drunk werewolf in Ohio.
Thomas Stroup, 20, was arrested last week after fighting with people at a campground. When police arrived, they found Stroup passed out on the ground, and when they tried to rouse him, he growled at them. Stroup later explained that he'd been scratched by a wolf, and afterwards he "goes on the attack when the moon is out." Apparently unimpressed, the police charged Stroup with underage drinking.
Interestingly, this incident occurred only about twenty miles from the place where, last year, a 21-year-old whom police nicknamed "Count Drunkula" was arrested after telling police he was a "centuries-old vampire" who wanted to drink their blood and eat their kidneys. So, all of you Twilight fans -- the hell with Forks, Washington, it looks like Ohio is the place to be.
Then, we have reports from New Farm, Brisbane, Australia, that the face of Jesus has appeared on a pizza.
Posh Pizza owner Maree Phelan calls the appearance of Our Lord and Savior in the patterns on a three-cheese pizza baked last week "a miracle" and is currently offering the pizza on eBay to the highest bidder.
"It certainly isn't a fake," Phelan told reporters. I'm not sure what she means by this. How could you tell the difference between a fake vague, blurry face and a real vague, blurry face? In any case, I'm not convinced this looks all that much like Jesus. (You can see the pizza here.) Myself, I think it looks a little... grim to be the Son of God. The expression is a little too, well, zombie-like. Maybe it's not an apparition of Jesus, at all, but a warning of the upcoming zombie apocalypse?
Which brings us to the next story, which is about a "Concerned Citizen" in Leicester, England who is apparently worried that the Leicester city officials are not taking proper steps to prepare for a zombie invasion.
Mr. Citizen, apparently in all seriousness, has sent the Leicester City Council a letter that says in part, "Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion? Having watched several films it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that councils throughout the kingdom must prepare for."
Lynn Wyeth, head of information governance, told reporters that she was unaware of any specific reference to a zombie attack in the council's emergency plan; however, some elements of it could be applied if the situation arose. Which seems to me to be a calm, measured response, just the kind of cool thinking we'll need when the zombies arrive.
Which is not the sort of reaction air traffic controllers had to reports of a pair of UFOs flying in formation near Wichita, Kansas. The UFOs, spotted by Wichita resident Ken Pfeiffer and his wife while out taking their dog for a walk, "had both solid and blinking lights" and were colored "a deep, saturated yellow." They watched them until the lights "disappeared behind some trees" and were lost to view.
Alarmed, the couple returned home, where Pfeiffer began to call around to see if anyone could explain the lights. Finally, he called the control tower at Wichita Airport, where they treated him very brusquely.
If you can imagine. Like those air traffic controllers had anything better to do than discuss UFOs with some random guy. So, of course, their reluctance to admit that they knew anything indicates that of course they knew something, because that's the way conspiracies work: anyone who is in on it would deny knowing what's going on, so if someone denies what's going on, they must be in on it. So the logical conclusion is that we are in the midst of an alien attack, with the beachhead of the invasion in Wichita.
Of course, you have to wonder why super-powerful aliens, who presumably could land anywhere, would pick Wichita. I've been to Wichita, and frankly, it's kind of a boring place. If I was an alien, I'd pick somewhere that had palm trees, margaritas, and scantily-clad women, and frankly, I doubt if any of the three are all that common in Kansas. But oddly, you never hear of alien invasions in, for example, Maui. It's odd. That's definitely where I'd invade, if I was an alien.
So, that's about it for today's news, here at Worldwide Wacko Watch. Drunk Werewolves, Lord Jesus of the Cheeses, British Zombie Invasions, and Lights over Wichita. We're always striving to live up to our motto: all the news that's fit to guffaw at.