A friend and loyal reader of Skeptophilia emailed me a couple of days ago.
"I think I've figured out why you're such a doubter," he said. "From my extensive research, it's because your 'etheric DNA' hasn't been activated. I strongly recommend you look into this immediately so that you can ascend to the next astral plane, where you belong."
He then signed off, but added in a p.s., "(... take the bait, little mouse... take the bait...)".
Well, naturally, I couldn't let something like this just sit there. So I did a search for etheric DNA, and spent the next forty-five minutes reading. Unfortunately, I was mostly done with a glass of scotch at the time, and I got the worst case of the giggles I've had in years. I would read a line from one of the articles to my dog, who was sitting on the floor next to my desk watching me intently, and then I'd erupt into laughter. Rosie was clearly amused as well, given the fact that each time I read her a line, she wagged her tail in a cheerful fashion.
Or maybe she was just glad I was finally paying some long-overdue attention to the health of my eternal celestial spirit. I dunno.
Anyhow, I thought it best to put the topic aside until I was thinking more clearly. And I'm not sure whether it's good or bad news that the "etheric DNA" stuff doesn't make any better sense when you're stone-cold sober. So naturally, I had to share some of it with you here, because I'm just a generous, open-handed sort of guy.
Up to you if you get yourself a glass of scotch first.
The first article I found was from an online open-access (surprise!) journal called MedCrave. MedCrave's tagline is "Step into the World of Research," which right away sets my teeth on edge because I am absolutely sick unto death of people using the word "research" that way, e.g. reading three articles from various websites and saying, "Well, I did my research." No, you fucking well did not do any research; you found three articles that happened to agree with what you already believed. You do not work in a lab, you did not publish anything in a peer-reviewed journal, you did not spend years studying the subject and becoming an expert. Hell, I spent over three decades teaching biology, and I am not an expert; I'm very much a generalist and always will be.
So I'm not a researcher, either. The difference is, I'm not claiming to be.
But at least I know how to recognize legitimate research in an actual scientific journal. And MedCrave ain't it.
Anyhow, the article is by "Spiritual Scientist" Linda Gadbois, and is called "DNA -- The Phantom Effect, Quantum Hologram, and the Etheric Body," which won out over the next most sensible title she could come up with, which was "Woogie Woogie Woogie Pfthththbtbtbtbtb." There's no way I can give you a flavor of just how wacky this article is from a mere summary, so here's an actual excerpt:
DNA is actually composed of a liquid crystalline substance that acts as a form of antenna, receiver, and transmitter of holographic information. It’s constantly in the process of taking in information from its environment and the ether as signs, archetypes, and imagery and translating it into holograms. It operates predominately out of radionics where whatever frequency its tuned to, is acts as a receiver for various forms of information within that same frequency that comes in as an acoustic wave that serves to form an electromagnetic field (EMF) as a holographic shape that’s composed initially of subtle energy, which provides the blueprint or spatial mapping for constructing an exact replica as its material equivalent. Information inherent in the Ether (Akasha) always comes as a “pairing” or “wave coupling” (like the double helix) that contains both an acoustic sound and optical (visual) image as the geometric patterning inherent in the vibratory frequency.
Right! Of course! What?
My other favorite part was when she explained (not sure if that's the right word) her concept of the "phantom effect" thusly:
The two waves of information form an interference pattern that together produce a 3-D holographic image as the subtle template for constructing the material body through a growth and development process. This holographic image as an invisible energy field organizes and animates matter into what’s called the “phantom effect”. This phantom is an invisible 3-D shape as a field formed out of information as a dynamic series of interrelated planes or parallel interlaced and correlating dimensions that operate without any cross-talk to form a chain-of-association as phase conjugation adaptive resonance."Dimensions" of "phase conjugation adaptive resonance?" All we need is "entangled quantum frequencies" in there somewhere and we'll have collected the whole set of quasi-scientific woo-woo buzzwords.
And please don't think I've selected these two passages because they were unusually abstruse. It all sounds like this. And it goes on for pages.
22-strand DNA activation... is done through etheric surgery using an activated crystal wand. It involves 12 receptor sites to the DNA, known as codons, and they are accessed through the etheric spine and illuminated with light (I have actually seen this light whilst I was administering the wand to this area). This activates 22 of the 24 strands.
What does all of this do for you? Well, she's a little vague on that point:
Our DNA contains the master plan, or blueprint, for who we are, our life purpose and our Divine Potential – who we are as a Divine Being. Holding the encoded information relative to both our physical and spiritual lineage, it is unique and very personal. It determines our physical form, hereditary maladies, mental proclivities, emotional behavioural patterns, spiritual gifts and more. It is God-given, holy and sacred and defines our uniqueness. It is who we are! Locked within our DNA are emotional codes that are handed down from our ancestors from generation to generation. These emotional codes are then triggered through our belief systems and through life altering events.
Given the fact that my ancestors seem to have been a random assortment of rogues, miscreants, ne'er-do-wells, and petty criminals, and the majority of the ones I knew personally were also weird as fuck, I'm not sure I want "emotional codes" handed down from generation to generation. My inclination is to tiptoe away and let my twenty-two extra DNA stands continue to sleep quietly.
Oh, but Carole Easton tells us this is an ancient mystical tradition that traces its origins all the way back to King Solomon! (Because the ancient Israelites were clearly experts on genetics.) So how can I turn my back on such a gift?
Um. Yeah. She can just stay right the hell away from my etheric spine with her activated crystal wand. I doubt I'd be able to go through her ritual without laughing, and I'm sure that'd destroy all the entangled quantum dimension phase resonance oscillations or whatever the fuck is supposed to be happening, so it wouldn't work for me in any case.
So there you have it. Etheric DNA. As far as the loyal reader who got me started on this, I hope you're happy. At least my dog is. She's currently staring at me with a hopeful look on her face. I think she wants me to do a Tarot reading for her, or something.
Or maybe her etheric stomach just wants breakfast.