Ordinarily I'm the least superstitious person in the room, but I make an exception in this case. When you say this kind of shit -- like I did when I was working out with my athletic trainer yesterday -- the universe is listening.
What spurred me to open my big mouth was, of course, all of the bizarre cabinet appointments by President-elect Donald Trump. We had accused pedophile and sex trafficker Matt Gaetz for Attorney General; I say "had" with a smile on my face because he just withdrew, apparently sensing correctly that his accusers have the goods on him and he would be fucked sideways if he did his usual chest-thumping, I'm So Tough And Belligerent Act. (What's amusing is that he's already resigned from Congress; I wonder if he's going to try to tell them, "Oh, wait, never mind about my resignation"? The majority of his colleagues hate him, so my guess is they'll say "Sorry, buddy, no takesy-backsies," resulting in Gaetz doing something my grandma used to call "falling between two chairs.") We have a WWE executive for Education Secretary and a Fox News host for Defense; both of them have also been implicated in sex scandals, which is more and more seeming like a qualification for being a Trump nominee rather than a disqualification. We have a dangerously wacko anti-vaxxer for Health and Human Services Secretary and a loony alt-med personality to run Medicare and Medicaid.
So in an unguarded moment, I said to my trainer, "Well, at least the world can't get much weirder than it already is."
Ha. A lot I know.
I got home from training, showered and dressed, then got a snack and sat down for a quick check of the interwebz. And the very first thing I saw was that there is now a service on Etsy where you can pay $7.99 to have a witch put a curse on Elon Musk.
The whole thing became internet-famous because of a woman named Riley Wenckus, who apparently found out about "Etsy Witches" who will do spells for you, and she hired one of them to curse Musk -- then went on TikTok and bragged about it. "Elon motherfucking Musk!" she shouted. "I just paid an Etsy witch $7.99 to make your life a living hell!"
This video has been viewed five million times.
"The Three Witches from Macbeth" by Morton Cavendish (1909) [Image is in the Public Domain]
Wenckus explained her actions by saying "I was feeling really existential about what I can do," to which I respond, "Um... yay? I think? Or maybe 'I'm so sorry?'" Because I have no idea what she means by "feeling existential." But I'm happy that she's taken a concrete step toward feeling either more or less existential by cursing Musk, depending on whether she thinks it's a good or a bad thing.
I dunno. I'm as confused as you are.
In any case, we also learn that the recipe for an anti-Musk curse involves a white candle, cayenne pepper, lavender, salt, and bay leaves. So at least it'll make your house smell nice.
Wenckus herself says she's not sure it'll work, but is hopeful that if she's started a trend, maybe it'll accomplish something. "I am a person grounded in reality who believes in science," she said. "But I still think there's something to be said for having millions upon millions of people wishing for your downfall."
Now, mind you, I'm not saying that ill-wishing a horrible human being like Elon Musk isn't completely understandable. He is one of the most genuinely loathsome people I can think of, and deserves every last one of the hexes that are thrown his way. I'm just doubtful that it'll work. But by all means, if you want to follow suit and add your own curse to Wenckus's (and, I'm sure, many others), knock yourself out. You can find out how in the link provided.
As for me, I'm gonna save my $7.99, but I'm also formally announcing my abandonment of any expectations that the world will undergo some sort of normalizing regression to the mean. Whatever the cause of how insane things have been lately -- if, for example, my suspicion is correct, and the aliens who are running the computer simulation we're all trapped in have gotten drunk and/or stoned, and now they're just fucking with us -- I give up. Y'all win. I'm embracing the weirdness.
I guess this is what they mean by "living in interesting times."
So go ahead, universe. I'm ready. Have at it. If things are going to be terrible, at least keep making them entertaining.
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