Woo-woo casserole recipe

Today, I ran across a truly wonderful site, if by "wonderful" you mean "bizarre."  It is called Divinorum Psychonauticus, which loosely translated from sort-of Latin means "Spirit Sailor of the Divine," even though to my ears it sounds like a spell from Harry Potter.  The site is subtitled "Where science fears to tread, art staggereth."  Whatever the fuck that means.  Its creator, Erich Kuersten, seems to be a raving wingnut, although in his defense he's up front about that.  In his "About This Author" paragraph he calls himself "legally insane ten times over," although in his posts, he seems entirely serious; I saw none of the hallmarks of Divinorum Psychonauticus being a spoof site.  In any case, I bumped into the site because of the post, "The Bigfoot-Ancient Alien Connection: Solved!", whose title seemed to promise great things.

I was not disappointed.

The first thing I noticed was how deftly the article explains why we haven't seen Bigfoot.  It is not, as many think, because Bigfoot doesn't exist.  It is also not, as others explain, that Bigfoots are intelligent, wary primates who live in trackless wilderness with plenty of places to hide.

No, it's because Bigfoots have all of their junk DNA turned on, and that allows them to time travel.  In Kuersten's words:

Our DNA is tampered [sic] down, which is to say a lot of our 'junk DNA' is disconnected. We're like parrots with clipped wings, while Bigfoot's are unclipped. If we could access all 100% of our brain, 'turn on' the dormant DNA, we could do some of the things Bigfoot does, such us 'skipping' through time, being able to wink in and out of existence (and thus avoid capture).  In fact this is why they are so evasive... they're on the run if you will, from the castrating scissors of the Greys.

Well, I have to admit that if a gray alien with castrating scissors was chasing me, I'd try to avoid capture, too.

Kuersten then adds a nice seasoning of biblical "history" to the mix:

The story of the Great Flood and all that - the Annunaki went to wipe us all out and start again because they made us in their image and likeness and with many of their powers, their ability to tap into the higher dimensions of consciousness (there are nine total), to vibrate their Kundalini energy in and out of existence and forward and backwards through time, and into alternate dimensions.  So when the sasquatch /earlier race learned how to 'wink out' they no longer wanted to mine gold for their masters.  They had the power to hide, and went on the run.  The next wave of humans (the Annunaki/Greys spliced with early ape hominid DNA) had these aspects of the brain shut off, the wings clipped.  But the flood couldn't reach the high up mountains, which is why the bigfoot and yeti are often found there. 

Is that why that is?  I'd always wondered.  The Himalayas, for example, have always seemed to me to be a singularly inhospitable place, what with all that snow and ice and thin air.  If I were a primitive hominid, I would choose somewhere rather nicer to live.  Maui, for example.  But evidently the reason you never see sasquatches on the beach, wearing swim trunks and sipping drinks with little umbrellas, is because they got stranded up in the mountains after the Great Flood and now, 4,000-odd years later, they still haven't been able to find their way down.

But why, you might ask, are Bigfoots frequently seen getting in and out of UFOs?  I know I've asked that question myself, and usually my response has been, "hallucinogenic drugs."  But Kuersten disagrees:

The reason Bigfoots are sometimes found getting into and out of UFOs is explainable as either a kind of bigfoot terminator or traitor, working to infiltrate the bigfoot colonies, or various 'friendly' alien visitors--the equivalent of, say, Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves. 

Okay, now I understand!  Some of the Bigfoots are in cahoots with evil aliens.  Or friendly aliens.  Or Kevin Costner.

Figure 1.  My expression while reading all of this.

And finally, how does Kuersten know all of this, as clearly there is no way you could get here via any of the more standard ways of thinking?  By this time, you will not be surprised to find out that the answer is: spirit animal guides.

I asked my 'channeled' guru panther animal spirit guide.  Believe it or not, that's what he 'told' me, in the weird non-linguistic way that spirit guides will.  Now, he's quite a trickster as I've learned on more than one occasion.  But this all makes a lot more sense than some of the daffy theories (I've heard), so I'm posting it here.  Make of it what you will, and remember, the truth is so strange no language can encompass it, so never be afraid to leave language at the door when entering the higher planes! 

Oh, I will, Erich.  I left language with baggage check, and am ready to be x-rayed by the TSA (Transcendental Safety Authority) before boarding my astral plane! 

If you're not satisfied with this selection from Divinorum Psychonauticus, there's also "Remembering my 2012 Galactic Alignment Euphoria, Non-Duality, Quetzlcoatl Visions, Cult Leadership, and Inevitable Fever," "The New Line of Alien-Human Hybrids - Wilkommen auf der Future!", and "Uma Thurman is From Venus."  And yes, in that last one, he is talking about the planet Venus, i.e., the place with an atmosphere of carbon dioxide and sulfuric acid, where the surface temperature averages 462 C.  (I've heard people say that Uma Thurman is hot, but I don't think that's what they meant.)

Figure 2: Uma Thurman's home world

So anyway.  That's our brief foray into the deep end of the pool for today.  It's kind of like a recipe for a woo-woo casserole, isn't it?

In a large mixing bowl, place 2 lbs. finely ground Bigfoot. Add:

• a chopped Annunaki
• biblical references to taste
• 3 tbsp. references to poorly-understood science
• 1 cup higher dimensions of consciousness
• 1 cracked UFO
• 1 pint time travel
• 1 spirit guide (preferably "panther," but "weasel" will do)  Mix well. Place in a greased baking dish, and bake at 350 F until well-done  Serve immediately.

Pairs excellently with most wines.  In fact, the more your guests drink, the more palatable the casserole will seem.

Guidance provided by the Sacred Weasel Spirit

I was having dinner with a friend last night, and she told me about an encounter she'd had at a party.

"We'd only been talking a few minutes," she said, "and she asked me what my totem animal was."

"Your 'totem animal'?" I asked.

"Yup."

"What did you tell her?" I asked.

"I said I didn't have one," she said.  "She said I did.  So she asked me what animal I dreamed about.  I told her I dreamed about my dogs because usually they're hogging the bed and snoring in my face.  I don't think she thought that was a very good answer."

So, intrigued, I started looking into it, and sure enough, there's this whole thing recently about ordinary, white-bread Americans deciding that they have a sacred animal spirit that is accompanying them through life.  On the Animal Totem website (here) there's a list of questions you can go through, to wit:

1. Since we are drawn to that which resonates with us, what animal, bird, or insect are you drawn to?
2. When you go to the park, forest, or zoo what animal are you most interested in seeing?
3. What animal do you most frequently see when you're out in nature or in the city?
4. What animals are you currently interested in learning about?
5. Which animal do you find most frightening or intriguing?
6. Have you ever been bitten or attacked by an animal?
7. Is there a recurring animal in your dreams or do you have one you have never forgotten?

My question is, what if you get conflicting answers?  For example, I like all of the big cats, but I rarely see one when I'm "out in nature," given that I live in upstate New York.  Mostly what I seem to see when I'm "out in nature" is mosquitoes, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be guided by the Sacred Mosquito Spirit.  As far as being attacked, the only animal I've ever been attacked by is an obnoxious spider monkey that resided in a cage in a bio lab where I was a lab assistant in college.  His name was Buster, and he bit me once.  It could have been worse; he one time splattered the lab director with monkey poo.  As far as what animal I'm frightened of, I think it would have to be snapping turtles.  They completely creep me out.  Plus, they can bite your toes off.  Not a nice combination.

So, as you can see, there's a problem with internal contradictions.  Plus, it seems to me that there's a lot of room for just picking an animal that's cool.  Not that there's any real harm in that, but the sources I looked at clearly consider the whole animal spirit guide thing to be real:

Your guide will instruct and protect you as you learn how to navigate through your spiritual and physical life. When you find an animal that speaks strongly to you or feel you must draw more deeply into your life, you might fill your environment with images of the animal to let the animal know it's welcome in your space. Animal guides can help you get back to your Earthly roots, and reconnect with nature by reminding you that we are all interconnected.

So, what if you think wolves are cool, but you're actually being guided by the Holy Weasel Spirit?  So there you are, with wolf pictures all over your house, and a wolf tattoo on your shoulder, and completely ignoring the guidance being provided by the Holy Weasel Spirit.  I don't know about you, but if I was the Holy Weasel Spirit, I'd be pissed.  I'd probably trip you while you're carrying your coffee, or something.

Some people take it a step further, and actually change their names, or at least adopt a pseudonym.  All of them sound vaguely pseudo-Native-American.  Some of the websites I looked at were managed by people with the last names of RavenWood, Coyote, Nighthawk, StarFox, and SkyWombat.

Okay, I made the last one up.  But I did note that where photos were provided, most of these people looked like regular old Caucasians.  I'm guessing that they had real names like Harold Snodgrass.  I suppose it's understandable that you'd prefer to be known as MoonChild FlyingEagle than Bernice Fleegman, but it does seem a little pretentious.

So, in any case, I suppose the next step is to figure out what my Totem Animal is.  I'm leaning toward a jaguar, which I've always thought was a beautiful animal.  Plus, it lives where the weather's always warm, which is a plus.  On the other hand, my personality has sometimes been compared to a border collie, so that's another possibility.

Now that I come to think of it, why limit yourself to one?  No reason why you have to have just a single animal guide, right?  I could adopt the best of both animal spirits.  From the jaguar, I can learn grace, courage, strength, and skill at hunting.  From the border collie, I can learn how to be a nervous, twitchy, type-A, hypercontrolling, stress-filled cat herder.

It could work.