Woo-woo round up

It's been another busy week here at Worldwide Wacko Watch.

First, we have news that the Church of Scientology spent years investigating the creators of South Park.

You may remember that about five years ago, South Park made headlines with an episode called "Trapped in the Closet," which featured noted Scientologists Tom Cruise and John Travolta, and ridiculed Scientology in general.  Cruise responded, predictably, by having a tantrum, but this time he didn't assault Oprah; he just announced that he wouldn't help publicize Mission Impossible III, as Comedy Central and Paramount are both owned by the same parent company, Viacom.  Paramount executives basically shrugged and said, "Okay," and Mission Impossible III went on to net nearly $12.48, so it probably wouldn't have mattered if Cruise had helped publicize it or not.

In any case, you'd think that in any normal situation, this would have all blown over and been forgotten, but your mistake would be applying the word "normal" to the Scientologists.  They began to secretly look into South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker, trying to dig up dirt about them so as to discredit them.  Marty Rathbun, former Church of Scientology executive and current critic, has made records public that state that the Scientologists were even going through Stone and Parker's trash looking for evidence that they were using drugs or otherwise engaged in illicit behavior.

My general feeling is, anything that keeps the Scientologists busy rummaging through trash is probably in everyone's best interest.

And in case my commentary on this situation induces any Scientologists to look through my trash, allow me to just say up front that what appear to be bags of used kitty litter are, in fact, just bags of used kitty litter, and there is NO ILLICIT DRUG EVIDENCE IN THERE.  No, sir.  Don't even bother going through them, because you won't find anything incriminating.

And the same goes for the blobs of old coffee grounds.


Then, we have a video clip from Brazil that claims to have captured what appears to be an alien taking a piss behind a tree.

Or at least that's what it looks like to my untrained eye.  Let's take a look at a still from the video:

The video, which you can view here, is described by Mike Cohen of All News Web (which bills itself as "the world's only intergalactic news network") as being "highly compelling footage that will be hard to discredit."  This didn't stop Marc Dantonio, of the Mutual UFO Network, from noting that the head of the alien appears to wobble when the wind blows, in the fashion of one of those bobble-head dolls that truckers like to put on their dashboards.

Myself, though, I still like the "alien taking a piss" theory.  After all, I doubt there are many rest stops in interstellar space, so you can't blame the little guy.  When you gotta go, you gotta go.


Next, we have news from the Kemerovo region of Russia that the hunt for the Yeti has been unsuccessful.

You may recall a Skeptophilia post a few weeks ago about an expedition into the wilds of Siberia, looking for the Asian cousin of America's Bigfoot.  The whole thing was the brainchild of Russian Yetiologist Igor Burtsev, who organized a Yeti Conference for researchers from all over the world, and then led an expedition to go see the sites where Yetis had allegedly been spotted.  These included a cave and a "Bigfoot nest."  And, right on schedule, the team found gigantic footprints, broken branches, and bits of hair.  Case closed!  The Yeti is real!

Well, maybe not.  Dr. Jeff Meldrum, an American researcher who went to the conference, isn't buying it.  He said the whole thing went a little too easily to be convincing -- it had the air of something staged.  The hair has yet to be analyzed, and the footprints, Meldrum said, "show depth and line characteristics that are consistent with fakes."  As for the "nest," Meldrum became suspicious of it when he noticed that the "bent and twisted saplings" had actually been notched with saws.

Another curiosity is that the alleged Yeti footprints are only from right feet, as if the Yeti that produced them had been engaged in a game of hopscotch.

So, I guess we have to place this one in the "probably not" column.  Too bad.  Because it would have lent critical credence to our next story, to wit:


A brief report has come in from comically-named High Knob, Virginia, where a fellow named Tyler Bounds allegedly struck a Bigfoot with his car Sunday night at around 2 AM.  We're unsure how much to credit this story, however, as (1) there was no blood or hair on the car, and (2) Bounds is an associate of Matt Moneymaker, of Animal Planet's "Finding Bigfoot," which made history as the only paranormal television show that jumped the shark faster than Monster Quest.  So we'll just state for the record that in the dark, an oak tree can look a lot like a Bigfoot, and move on.


In the Obituaries Section, we regret to inform you of the passing of Malcolm Dent, 67.  Dent was a boyhood pal of legendary Led Zeppelin rocker Jimmy Page, and was the curator of Boleskine House in the Scottish Highlands during the twenty years Page owned it.  Boleskine House is famous as having been the occult headquarters of Aleister Crowley, famed Satanist and self-styled "wickedest man on earth."

Crowley, who died in 1947, was infamous during his lifetime for holding rituals of black magic at Boleskine.  He belonged to the occult organization called "The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn," but founded a couple of others, Ordo Templi Orientis and Thelema, when it became apparent that one organization wouldn't provide him with nearly enough people of either gender to have sex with.  Boleskine House became known as a center of depravity and amoral behavior, so you can kind of understand Page's interest in owning the place.


So, that's the news here at Worldwide Wacko Watch.  We keep Watch on the Wackos, so we can bring the stories straight to your doorstep.  As usual -- All the News That's Fit to Guffaw At.

Comet Elenin redux

I'll bet you thought that earthquakes were caused by plate tectonics.  I'll bet you buy your 9th grade earth science teacher's explanation that as the Earth's crustal plates move around, they sometimes slip and release large quantities of energy, causing destructive events such as the one that occurred Sunday in eastern Turkey.

A lot you know.

Earthquakes, according to Mensur Omerbashich, are caused by the alignment of the Earth with the Comet Elenin and some other astronomical body.  He presents his theory, along with his data on the incidence of earthquakes above magnitude 6, in table form here.  My general opinion is that his argument should be completely convincing to anyone, as long as they have waffle batter where most of us have brains.

Here I thought that Comet Elenin had broken up and disintegrated, and I'd hoped that along with it the wingnuts who for some reason connected it with the Planet Nibiru, Mayan prophecy, the Rapture, and UFOs.  But I should know better by now.  It takes more than just some silly facts to dissuade these people.  I suspect that long after the shattered remnants of Elenin are once again winging their way into the cold darkness of outer space, they will still be blathering on about how it is about to "go into alignment" with the Sun and Orion's Belt, resulting in gravitational anomalies that will increase our likelihood of tripping over curbs.

It is, sadly, a waste of breath to explain to this bunch of clowns that if you have a system of nine planets (I'm still clinging desperately to the hope that the astronomers will give us back Pluto), a star, over a hundred moons, and probably thousands of asteroids, various combinations of them will always be "in alignment."  Couple that with the fact that the Earth has experienced 181 earthquakes above magnitude 6 thus far in 2011, and I could have found a nonexistent pattern without even breaking a sweat.  This might well explain Omerbashich's whine that his "scientific paper" has not received any attention from "mainstream scientists," who continue to "ignore this valuable warning tool."

None of this, however, is likely to make any difference to people who've already decided that a tiny, broken-up chunk of ice hurtling away from us in far-off space has something to do with what happens here on Earth.  It's all well and good for me to babble on, day after day, about causation/correlation issues, confirmation bias, and so on, but if you aren't willing to examine your favorite theory's assumptions -- whether it's astrology, homeopathy, astral projection, flower essences, or Comet Elenin -- none of it will make the slightest difference.

To quote Thomas Paine, "Arguing with someone who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead."

Spirit guides and orgasms, or your money back!

This morning, I was sitting at my computer, drinking coffee and hoping that the caffeine would jumpstart my brain despite being awakened at 5:30 AM by my dogs, who definitely do not understand the concept of "the weekend," and I happened upon the following advertisement:

"The Unexplainable Store (TM) !  100% Guaranteed!  Altered State of Consciousness or YOUR MONEY BACK!!!"

Naturally, I had to click on the link, and it brought me here.

The homepage, as you may have just discovered, has dozens of little links with titles and cartoon images for things like the following:

• Astral Projection
• Lucid Dreaming
• Remote Viewing
• Past-life Regression
• Spirit Guide Contact
• Shaman Consciousness
• Christ Consciousness
• Immune System
• Endorphin Release
• Serotonin Release
• Allergy Relief
• DNA Stimulation
• Fountain of Youth
• Orgasms

(The last one's cartoon drawing is just some fireworks, so don't get your hopes up.)


To save you a little time, and countless valuable cells in your prefrontal cortex, let me tell you what you find if you click on the links.

Each one starts out with a brief description, basically telling the reader how nice it would be if you had a spirit guide, shaman consciousness, stimulated DNA, the knowledge of past lives, and so on.  They feature sentences such as the following:

Imagine a world where communication with the dead is possible.  What could we discover about others, and even ourselves?

and

How often do you use wisdom gained from your past to plan your future?  What if there were a whole other life filled with memories and experiences?  What would you be able to do with the added wisdom of a whole other life?

Now, when I first started clicking on these links, I expected each one to lead to a pitch for a different product, as allergy relief has little to do with (for example) orgasms.  But no, each one ultimately led to an advertisement for the following:

Binaural Beats- Sine wave generators are used to create two separate frequency waves, which are introduced to each ear independently. The brain reacts by creating a third tone, making up the difference of the two. It instantly reacts to these frequencies causing a Shift In Consciousness. Using this technology, your brain can be programmed to weed out interferences and open up the communication channels inside your mind that are blocked by your own consciousness. 

Isochronic Tones- If you are looking for the most effective type of brainwave entrainment, Isochronic Tones are the way to go. Isochronic Tones also use equal intensity tones, but the pulse speed is greater, causing the brain to synchronize with the rhythm.  In 1999, Thomas Budzynski Ph.D.  published a case in the Journal of Neurotherapy which showed that a group of 8 college students increased their GPA with the use of audio brainwave stimulation, and their GPA continued to increase even after the brainwave entrainment was finished...

In the realm where Alpha and Theta waves exist, creativity becomes infused with the deep subconscious thoughts that comprise our dreams.  In this state, the deepest and oldest thoughts manifest and are pushed into your consciousness, allowing you to finally understand things that may have been significant to you for several years without you even being aware.  Irrational behavior becomes crystal clear and transparent.  Your true motivations, fears, hopes, and dreams become clear so you can set out to become the person you really want to be!

And you can download both of these INSTANTLY for only $38!  ($14 for the "binaural beats" and $24 for the "isochronic tones;" no explanation for why the "binaural beats" are cheaper.)  They have a sample that you can listen to (only a 45-second clip, not enough to have a full past-life regression or anything), and my general reaction is that it sounds like someone playing New Age synthesizer music with a washing machine running in the background.

So, anyway, I'm thinking that if you are interested in contacting a spirit guide, or whatever, this probably isn't going to do it for you.  But I do encourage you to take a look at the site, and listen to the clip.  Let me know if it triggers you to experience some shaman consciousness, or to have a lucid dream.  If it makes you have an orgasm, however, that's between you and your "binaural beats."

Pat Buchanan and the death of American culture

In his most recent column, "Is America Disintegrating?" (read the whole thing here), Pat Buchanan laments the passing of his vision of America.  No more, he says, are we a nation of a common blood, faith, language, history, customs and culture:

I argue that the America we grew up in is disintegrating, breaking apart along the fault lines of politics, race, ethnicity, culture and faith; that the centrifugal forces in society have now become the dominant forces...  We are not now and will not (in thirty years) be "descended from common ancestors."  We will consist of all the races, cultures, tribes and creeds of Earth — a multiracial, multicultural, multiethnic, multilingual stew of a nation that has never before existed, or survived...  The moral consensus and moral code Christianity gave to us has collapsed...  There was a time not so long ago when the nation was united on a common faith, morality, history, heroes, holidays, holy days, language and literature.  Now we fight over them all.

I question this on a variety of grounds.

First, his bemoaning of the increasing multiculturality of America ignores the fact that a little over a hundred years ago, a significant chunk of citizens -- including my wife's ancestors and my own -- did not speak English.  My ancestors spoke French -- both on my dad's side, where they were recent immigrants, and on my mom's, on which they had lived in North America since the 1600s and in what would become the United States since the 1780s, resisting the forces of assimilation and acculturation by sheer stubbornness.  My wife's ancestors spoke Yiddish, and maintained their cultural identity even in that enormous mixing vat that is New York City.  Far from threatening the fabric of American society, they enriched it.  And more of us today are of mixed ancestry -- of a really homogenized genetic background -- than ever before.

Second, and more importantly, Buchanan's idealization of life prior to the most recent influx of immigrants -- the apogee of the white middle class, the Leave It To Beaver squeaky-cleanness of the 1950s -- was hiding a good many ugly secrets.  The unity of a common set of morals, standards, language, and the rest came at a significant cost.  This "moral consensus" was at the root of the assumption of inferiority of those of other races and religions, leading within our borders to bigotry, persecution, and denial of basic rights to African Americans, and outside our borders to colonialism and exploitation.  It was at the root of "keeping women in their place," denying them the opportunities that men had in every venue.  It was the root of the demonization of those who were different -- of atheists, of homosexuals, even of free-thinking men and women who simply elected not to marry or pursue traditional careers.

Would you really return to the 50s?  Would you return to a time when being of a different race meant that you couldn't eat in the same restaurants, work in the same offices, even drink at the same water fountains as whites?  Would you return to a time when talented, brilliant women had only two choices -- to buck a system that was set up to keep them from succeeding in the career of their choice, or to cave in and become secretaries, lab assistants, or wives?   Would you return to a time when conformity was the gold standard for behavior?

I'm not saying that our society isn't facing problems.  I'm no sociologist, capable of teasing apart the causes of immigration (legal or otherwise) and proposing policy for governing our nation's response.  I understand that the changes we will undergo to respond to shifts in culture, language, and religion may well be painful and difficult.  I'm merely saying that this is hardly the first time we've had to face these kinds of problems, and that the shifts we've seen in morality since World War II have not all been negative.  Americans are freer now than they have ever been to express themselves, to pursue careers they find meaningful, to practice the religion of their choice -- or no religion at all.  Yes, there problems with poverty, crowding, and resources stretched too thin and too far.

But I think, to paraphrase Twain, that rumors of America's death will turn out to be vast exaggerations.

The paws that refresh us

New from the “You’ll Think I’m Joking, But I’m Not” department, news has just come in that the Calvary Episcopal Church in Danvers, Massachusetts is offering a worship service for dogs.

The program, called the “Perfect Paws Pet Ministry,” is alleged by Reverend Thea Keith-Lucas to “give area pet owners a greater likelihood of their dogs going to heaven.”  Owners will receive communion at the service, and dogs will receive dog treats and blessings.  Barking will be allowed.

While this has all the hallmarks of a story from “The Onion,” I assure you that it’s 100% true.

You have to wonder what the bible reading is going to be.  Maybe a few verses from the Letter of St. Paul to the Dalmatians: “And the Lord said unto them, ‘To the Good Dogs shalt be given biscuits and squeaky toys and pats on the head, and there will be much wagging and playing of Fetch-the-Stick.  But unto the chewers of shoes, biters of mailmen, and those who pee on carpets shall be said, ‘No! No! Bad dog!’ and they shall they be cast out into the Back Yard, even if it be raining, and lo, there shall be no biscuits.’”

It’s not that I don’t understand the desire of pet owners to hang on to their pets.  If you believe in an afterlife, it’s kind of a sad prospect to think that you are going to live in eternal bliss, and Rocky the Black Lab just… won’t.  Many people feel as close to their pets as they do to their friends, and it’s natural to project onto them our hopes and fears for the future, and to want for them what we want for ourselves.

It does open up some potentially iceberg-strewn theological waters, however.  If we decide that dogs have an eternal soul, then what about other animals?   I own two dogs and two cats, and I can state that from my perspective, the cats’ niche in the religious world seems to fall more into the “Possessed by Evil Spirits” category.  But if pets, why not other animals?  Do cows have an eternal soul?  What about pigeons?  What about slugs?  I don’t know about you, but if there are Japanese beetles in the gardens of heaven, I’d have second thoughts about going there.

The other problem I have with all of this is one that I have with a lot of religious thought, and that’s the idea that because something appeals to you, it’s likely to be true.  A friend of mine once told me, “I can’t imagine a universe where there was no god to guide things and give purpose to life.”  Well, it may well be true that you can’t imagine it, but I can’t see that that has the least bearing on whether or not god actually exists.  Honestly, I’ve found that there seems to be little to no correlation between my finding an idea appealing and its being true.  So it may seem sad to picture heaven without dogs, but it’s hard to see how that has any impact on (1) whether heaven exists, and (2) if it exists, whether dogs are allowed or not.

On the other hand, like many things, I suppose that attending a worship service with your dog isn’t doing any harm, even if the basic theological underpinnings of the idea are a little shaky.  So, if it makes you happy, by all means bring Rex along to church with you.  If it gives him some encouragement to be a Good Dog, all the better.  Me, I think I’ll stay home until Reverend Keith-Lucas hosts a Rite of Exorcism for the cats.

Atheism, morality, and Newt Gingrich

In the Republican debate Tuesday night, Newt Gingrich made clear his views that an atheist does not belong in a position of public trust.

"How can you have judgment if you have no faith?" he said.  "How can I trust you with power if you don’t pray?  The notion that you are endowed by your creator sets a certain boundary on what we mean by America."  On other occasions, he has stated that he fears a "secular atheist America," dominated by people for whom "morality means nothing," and who have "no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."

My response:  How dare you question my morality, you smug, self-righteous, holier-than-thou, sanctimonious prick.

The charge that atheists have no moral compass is one I hear levied all too often.  If you don't acknowledge a deity, what's stopping you from lying, stealing, cheating on your significant other?  Your morals must be arbitrary, a thing of convenience that will slip the first time they're pressed hard.

In point of fact, there's no such correlation.  I defy you to show evidence that atheists are any more likely to act immorally or unethically than the religious.  And actually, if you look at the last few years' worth of American political scandals, nearly all of the culprits have been amongst self-professed Christians.  (Of course, that may be because the distrust the general public has for atheists makes it damn near impossible for people to get elected unless they espouse some form of theism, so I'll admit that it's a skewed sample.)

You have to wonder, given that we don't think there's Somebody watching us, keeping track of every time we transgress, why we atheists aren't running around, wreaking havoc, committing immoral acts right and left.  I can't answer for anyone but myself, but for me, it's because correct moral action is what gives society cohesiveness.  I act morally because it makes my family life run happily, and it gives my children a role model for growing up to act the same way.  It makes me a valued part of my community.  It gives me pleasure to be known as someone who is ethical, who considers others' needs and desires as equivalent to my own.

Far from devaluing my morals, my lack of belief in an invisible supreme authority makes them nobler.  I act morally because I choose to, because it's the right thing to do -- not because I'm under threat from some all-powerful Cosmic Gatekeeper.

And what about you, Newt?  Where has your high-flung, god-given morality gotten you?  Oh, yeah, I believe you're the one who is on his third wife, after having cheated on the first two (cheating on the first one while she was undergoing chemotherapy, as I recall?).  And when the facts of the matter became public, you admitted it -- and then said, "There's no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate."

So, let me get this straight; you cheated on your wife because you were passionate about America?  You were sitting there in your office one day, and thought, "Man, I've been working hard to keep the country that I love functioning.  I think I'll run right out and have an affair!"

So, I'll reiterate; until you can demonstrate that your ethical standards are superior to my own, don't try to claim that we atheists are destroying the moral fiber of America.  You smug, self-righteous, holier-than-thou, sanctimonious prick.

Oh, yeah, and "arrogant."  I forgot "arrogant."

Good vibrations

As if we didn't have enough to worry about, what with the world ending on Friday (recall that October 21, 2011 is Harold Camping's revised date for the Rapture, given that it didn't happen the other two times he's predicted it), the Blue Aliens descending upon us on June 21, 2012, and the world ending again on December 21, 2012, now we have to worry about the Earth being bombarded by "4th dimensional energy" on November 11, 2011.

It is, says noted wackmobile Alfred Lambremont Webre, not a coincidence that this will all happen on 11-11-11.  Despite the fact that most of us just figure that going through November 11 is the most convenient way to get to November 12, Webre thinks this has colossal significance.  Why?  Because, of course, he was told about it by a representative of the Galactic Governance Council, an alien named "Tolec."

Here's what Tolec told Webre, and I quote this directly from his website.  Webre's, not Tolec's.

The official beginning of 4th dimensional energy will affect Earth's solar system on 11.11.11 as it encounters the galactic equatorial plane region - as a universe & galactic wide harmonic frequency - will open and affect this whole area of space. The saturation of this higher frequency energetic vibration will continue through all of 2012, reaching full strength during the time frame of December 2012, through March 2013 when the final rotation of the 90 degree shift of Earth's crust happens with the present day East/West orientation of the continents moving into their new North/South orientation.

Which should make total sense to you, as long as you've spent the last half-hour doing sit-ups under parked cars.

Me, I'm pretty upset about the whole geographical shifting thing.  I have a hard enough time finding my way around as it is, being that I was seemingly born without a sense of direction.  If all this crust-rotation stuff happens, and Canada ends up west of us, Louisiana east of us, and so forth, I'm probably just going to give up and never leave home. 

The good news, Tolec says, is that if we can make it through all the cosmic wackiness and shifting around of the Earth's land masses, then we will settle down into our new "4th dimensional vibration existence" by January 2014, at which point we will all be offered an "opportunity to evolve."  I don't know about you, but I want to evolve wings.  Great big feathery wings, like a giant falcon, so I could fly to work and avoid the traffic.  It might be hard to find shirts to fit, but I'm willing to take that risk.

In any case, we will all have to make a bunch of adjustments to being 4th dimensional.  Tolec says that amongst the things we'll have to get used to is 4th dimensional money, because "there won't be any."  This seems unfortunate, but not really all that different from what most of us are dealing with already.  On the brighter side, we will be able to teleport, and use telepathy.  He also said that we'll have to get used to having "4th dimensional sex," which sounds like it could be fun.  I was disappointed not to get any further details on this point, so I can only speculate that it will have to do with giving a somewhat new twist on the what Tolec said about "energetic vibration."

Be that as it may, it'll give us all something to look forward to, if we can make it through all of the other stuff that probably isn't going to happen first.  At least this sounds like more fun than Camping's predictions of the unholy being roasted on Satan's George Foreman Grill.  Given that I'm clearly one of the unholy, I think I'll opt for wings, telepathy, and 4th dimensional sex instead.