ConCERNed

Two days ago, Yahoo! News ran a story about troubles at CERN, the high-energy physics lab in Switzerland.  It seems like the Large Hadron Collider has been having problems.  The LHC is designed to accelerate protons to incredible velocities -- 99.9999991% of the speed of light -- and then slam them into targets.  At that speed, the energy of the collision generates cascades of subatomic particles, which then can be analyzed as a way of getting a picture of the deepest structure of matter.  In particular, physicists are trying to prove the existence of the Higgs boson -- the "God Particle," that gives everything the property of having mass.

But something keeps getting in the way of the beam, draining its energy and resulting in less spectacular crashes.  Scientists think it's probably dust; at that velocity, even ultramicroscopic dust particles could cause problems.  This is "one of the major known limitations for the performance of the Large Hadron Collider," according to Tobias Baer, one of CERN's physicists.  Scientists at the LHC have documented over 10,000 cases of unexplained energy loss, some of them so great that the beam automatically shut down (it has a failsafe in case of intensity fluctuations).

Okay, so far, so good.  But then the media got involved.

The headline of the article referenced above was, "UFOs Disrupting Search For The God Particle."  And I'm thinking, "UFOs?  What the hell?"  Then, in the article, they coyly define "UFOs" as meaning, in this case, "Unidentified Falling Objects."  Of course, that's not what anyone thought when they saw the headline, so once again we have the media slyly giving the wrong impression in a headline to get you to click the link -- a phenomenon I've commented on before.

Then the woo-woos got involved.

Here are just a few quotes I found in posts on the phenomenon, from a variety of woo-woo websites.  It's only a sampling, and represents the number I could read before my brain turned to cream-of-wheat.

"It isn't a coincidence that stuff keeps getting in the way.  It's the universe's way of protecting itself.  If the God Particle is produced, it could make a chain reaction that would generate another universe inside this one, and that would tear this one to pieces.  Or make a black hole that would swallow everything.  The LHC is never going to succeed, because it would destroy the universe if it did."

"Odd that the Large Hadron Collider keeps shutting off just as scientists get close to discovering the God Particle.  Remember in the Bible that God didn't want Moses to see His face.  The same will be true here.  Those physicists keep trying to find the God Particle, but whenever they get close, God will stop them.  There are some mysteries that will remain mysteries."

"There's something they're not telling us here.  Don't tell me that these Ph.D.s in physics don't suspect that something fishy is going on.  10,000 instances of 'something' interfering with the beam, and they think it's dust?  I'm not buying it.  They're on to something, and it's something big -- no way would they have 10,000 times of the beam being damaged and just shrug their shoulders and say, 'It's dust.'  Mark my words: we're on the verge of something big and dangerous."

"Its [sic] not surprising that the Large Hardon [sic] Collider is scheduled to reboot in 2012.  The title of the article say's [sic] it all.  The big catastrophe is scheduled in 2012, when the Large Hardon [sic] Collider will be the final step that will bring the extraterrestrials here to keep us from destroying ourselve's [sic], and the New Age the Mayans predicted will begin."


Okay.  I'll give you my responses in a moment, after I clean up the coffee I spit all over the monitor when I read about the "Large Hardon Collider."

Better now.  In any case, I find it interesting how fascinated the woo-woos are with the LHC.  I think it goes beyond just the wonder that most of us feel when we read this stuff -- the thought of, "Wow, how complex and beautiful the universe is!"  What explains the desperate curiosity they seem to feel about this particular scientific tool?

I think part of it is the nickname of the particle that the scientists are after.  You have to admit that "the God Particle" does have a certain cachet.  The nickname is the fault of physicist Leon Lederman, who coined it in the title of his book, The God Particle: If the Universe is the Answer, What Is the Question?  Lederman, who has many times expressed regret for coining the nickname, said, "I wanted to call it 'the goddamn particle' but my editors wouldn't let me."

So, there's that.  Somehow, "physicists are trying to generate the Higgs boson" has become morphed into "physicists are trying to create god."  Thus, I suppose, being the power of names.

Then, there's the fear most of us feel when there's something we don't understand.  And frankly, almost none of us understand what the LHC is really trying to do.  I have a B.S. in physics, and when I read scholarly papers on subatomic physics, my eyes cross.  (I found that even the Wikipedia article on the Higgs boson is beyond my understanding, which was a little humbling.)  So, what are the scientists doing, over there in Switzerland?  We're not really sure.  And for a lot of people, "not really sure" means "potentially dangerous," and for those of us who spent too much time watching science fiction movies, "scientists doing potentially dangerous stuff" translates to "starting a chain reaction that will destroy the universe, or at the very least generate a monster that will eat Tokyo."

Now, mind you, I'm not saying that it's impossible that something could go badly wrong, and I'm not even sure what that would cause.  But I'm also fairly certain that the physicists themselves would be strongly in favor of not destroying the universe, being that they live in it and all.  So I'm guessing that if they really thought that what they were doing was going to generate a black hole that would swallow the Earth, they would stop.

Anyhow, that's our news from the Large Hadron Collider.  (Hadron, you'll note.  Hadron.)  I will be eager to see what discoveries the LHC generates, and I hope that they fix their dust problem.  Being rather a failure at housekeeping, I know how annoying dust can be, and they should be thankful that they don't have pets there at CERN, because once you add dog hair into the mix, it's all over.

"The Sun Pyramid" and the invention of truth

I keep thinking that I've heard of every crackpot idea out there, that we must have reached the end of the litany of bizarre ideas the human brain is capable of devising.

I keep being wrong.

Yesterday, a student of mine asked me if I'd ever heard of the conjecture that the ancient Egyptians had built some pyramids in Bosnia.  I hadn't, and after a little research, I found that there's a whole subset of woo-woo-ism that I was unaware of.

Northwest of Sarajevo, near the town of Visoka, stands Visočica Hill.  It's clearly a pretty strange-looking hill; vaguely pyramid-shaped, with unusually flat sides and a pointed top, it certainly suggests a man-made structure.  However, a geological team, led by Dr. Sefjudin Vrabac of the University of Tuzla, concluded that it was a natural structure, composed of clastic sediments dating from the Miocene Era.  Vrabac states that however odd it appears, Visočica is not a unique geological form, and that "there are dozens of similar morphological formations in the Sarajevo-Zenica mining basin alone"

So, clearly, we are dealing here with something like the Giant's Causeway of Ireland -- a structure whose peculiar regularity suggests human construction, but which actually has a completely natural explanation.

Enter Semir Osmanagić.

Osmanagić is a Bosnian author and metalworker, and makes claim to expertise on archaeology, but I'm a tad skeptical, frankly.  Osmanagić says that Visočica Hill is a human construct, and was produced by Ancient Egyptians, who evidently didn't have enough to do with building enormous pyramids back home.  He has renamed Visočica Hill "The Pyramid of the Sun," which apparently has not caught on with the folks who live in Visoka, at the foot of Visočica.  (Nearby pyramid-shaped hills he has called "The Pyramid of the Moon," "The Pyramid of the Earth," and "The Pyramid of Love.")  He has assembled an "international team of archaeologists," who made it clear that their actual intent was not to do any real archaeology, but to reshape Visočica Hill to make it look like a Mayan step pyramid.

All of which follows a well-known principle of scientific research; if your data doesn't fit your theory, alter the data.

People like Osmanagić rarely just spout off their theories alone, though; they always try to draw others in.  An especially common technique is to claim support from legitimate researchers in the field.  Many of these researchers are quite surprised to find their names mentioned in connection with some crackpot theory or another, but that never seems to discourage the woo-woo from making the claim.  In this case, the unlucky victim was Zahi Hawass, noted Egyptologist and former Egyptian Minister of State for Antiquities Affairs.  Osmanagić claims that Hawass supports his "theory," and in fact recommended an expert to work with Osmanagić's team, Ali Abdullah Barakat.

Poor Hawass responded by denying any involvement whatsoever, and in fact said that he'd never been contacted by Osmanagić, and in any case "Barakat knows nothing about pyramids."  But that hasn't stopped Osmanagić from repeating the claim.

Now, with all of this, you'd think people would be ignoring Osmanagić into obscurity, wouldn't you?

You'd be wrong.

Two weeks ago, Osmanagić was the keynote speaker at the International Metaphysical Conference, in Little Rock, Arkansas.  His talk was packed -- over 500 people attended his lecture on the "energy fields" and "underground labyrinth" at Visočica.  And at the end, he got a standing ovation.

I find all of this incredibly discouraging.  Don't these people ever question their assumptions, consider bias, look at evidence?  The answer, sadly, appears to be "no."  A theory that makes people say, "Wow, it would be cool if that were true," plus a charismatic speaker, plus scattered references to scientific principles and other scientists, is all it takes to convince, and after that the idea is no longer questioned.  Then, once it becomes ensconced in a critical mass of brains, it takes on a life of its own -- a Google search I did for "Bosnian pyramids" had over ten thousand hits.  It becomes some weird variant of "truth" -- an idea so widely reported, and cited, that for many people it is no longer subject to the usual standards for assessing validity.

And it all reminds me of a quote from David Babenkian:  "Trying to argue with someone who doesn't understand the principles of scientific induction is like trying to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on a ukulele."

James Tootle and the Cumbrian Cursing Stone

I find it curious how easily the human brain is lured into magical thinking.  We are wired to notice patterns, and to make inferences; and it's all too easy to forget that correlation does not imply causation.  The idea of certain items bringing good luck is a natural outcome of our desire to find root causes when we observe patterns, and even intelligent, highly educated people can fall for it.  I still remember the time I forgot to wear the red woolen hat I always wear to Cornell hockey games, during one of Cornell's winningest seasons -- and the guys lost.  And the people I sit near, in section C, blamed me.  "Wear the Big Red Hat next time, for crying out loud," one of them told me -- hopefully in jest, but I'm not really all that certain.

Of course, it isn't always good luck we're talking about.  Objects can be associated with bad luck, too.  And this brings us to James Tootle and the Cumbrian Cursing Stone (which sounds like the name of a rather demented children's book, but isn't).

James Tootle was a councillor in England, serving on the Carlisle and Cumbria County Councils.  He was serving in that capacity in 2001, when a local artist, Gordon Young, came up with the idea of memorializing a famous curse dating from the 16th century.  The curse, which at 383 words is too long to reproduce here, was aimed at the Border Reivers, a rather bloodthirsty group of highwaymen who terrorized Cumbria back in Shakespeare's time.  Young decided to engrave this bit of British history on a 14-ton granite stone, and the memorial was duly ensconced in an underpass near Carlisle Castle.

Well, Tootle didn't like it.  In fact, he blamed the stone for the outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease in 2001, and the massive Cumbrian floods of 2005, and petitioned to get the stone removed.  (What the stone was doing from 2002 to 2004 remains to be seen; maybe it was resting in between calamities.)  And despite the lack of further bad news in Cumbria after the flood episode, Tootle kept suggesting the stone be destroyed, and the suggestion kept being rejected.

And now, James Tootle has died.  And locals...

... are suggesting the stone did it.

Oh, come on.  You'd think if the stone was that pissed off, it'd have knocked Tootle off years ago, rather than waiting and taking the chance that the council would finally cave in to his demands and destroy it.  It took ten years for the stone to get rid of him?  I don't know about you, but that seems like the slowest-moving curse I've ever seen.  First, it precipitates two bad events, four years apart; does absolutely nothing for six years after that; and then causes one guy to kick the bucket.  As a bad luck charm, the Cumbrian Cursing Stone kind of sucks, doesn't it?

But now, of course, I've put myself in peril by criticizing it.  And look where that got James Tootle.  I might have, oh, twenty or thirty years to sit here and gloat; but then that stone will clean my clocks.  You'll see.  That'll warn people to be more cautious, when it comes to the Cumbrian Cursing Stone.  They'll probably put it on my gravestone:  "Here Lies Gordon, Who Died Of Old Age And The Aftereffects Of Ridiculing A Rock."

Hoagwash

I recently received a link from a friend which made an alarming claim.

The link (viewable here) is an interview with an individual, of unstated credentials, in which the contention is made that the seafloor at the Gulf oil spill site is rising -- ten feet or more in places, and over an area with a diameter of ten to fifteen miles.  The interviewee went on to explain that this bubble is a rising pocket of methane gas, released from frozen methane hydrates at the drill site, and that when (not if, note) this explodes, it would create a tsunami that would dwarf the one that devastated Aceh and Sri Lanka in 2004, inundating much of the low-lying southeastern United States, Central, and South America.

At first, I was inclined to sit up and take notice.  Methane and hydrogen sulfide explosions from the deep ocean are not outside of the realm of possibility, and in fact one theory relates the Permian-Triassic extinction (the largest extinction in the world's history, dwarfing the one that did in the dinosaurs 150 million years later) to a massive methane/sulfide release, with consequent alterations to the chemistry and transparency of the atmosphere and oceans.   The result: 95% of the world's species became extinct.

The gentleman then went on to explain that BP, in cahoots with the US government, was taking pains to avoid anyone finding out about this, because of the panic that would ensue if it was made public.

So, anyhow, I was a little alarmed.  Then I noticed the name of the guy being interviewed.

Richard C. Hoagland.

I don't know if you've heard about Hoagland, but if you're a skeptic, you should remember his name.  Here are a few of Hoagland's accomplishments (for want of a better word):

1) The "Face on Mars" brouhaha. The "Face on Mars," of course, turned out to be a rock outcropping which only looked like a face when viewed in the right light (because of the way the shadows fell); at other times during the Martian day it looked like, well, a rock outcropping.  This didn't stop Hoagland et al. from getting all the woo-woos in the world stirred up that it was evidence of an ancient civilization on Mars.  It did have the effect of inspiring a nifty episode of The X Files, but other than that, it was sort of a non-starter as a scientific observation.

2) The 19.5 N and S latitude theory, which claims that on every planet in the solar system, there are naturally-occurring features containing vast amounts of energy, located at 19.5 degrees north and south of the planet's equator.  One such example, he says, is the Martian volcano Olympus Mons (which I actually looked up, and is 18.3 degrees north of the Martian equator, but that's undoubtedly within the margin of error for his prediction, so we'll let it slide).  I did a quick scan of the earth at 19.5 degrees north and south, and all I could find that seemed interesting was the East African Rift Valley (a highly geologically active area, not that those are uncommon on the earth's surface) and the Big Island of Hawaii, which has a volcano or two and the energy generated by thousands of scantily-clad sunworshippers.  Not exactly unequivocal support of his theory, but honesty forced me to mention it.

3) There are large semi-transparent structures, created by a superintelligent civilization, on the moon.  NASA's photographs of the moon have been digitally altered to erase them.

4) Speaking of NASA, it's run by the Freemasons, and has been complicit in everything from faking scientific data from space missions to assassinating JFK.  The Masons were also responsible for the 9/11 attacks.

5) On the other hand, there is a secret space agency, which is currently using antigravity technology that was reverse-engineered from artifacts left on the moon, presumably by the same superintelligent society referenced in #3.

And so on. It should be clear by now that Mr. Hoagland has been spending too much time doing sit-ups under parked cars, and that we should give his "huge gas bubble in the Gulf" claim little to no credence.  I say "little," because, as I've said before, there is geologic evidence that such massive explosions have happened in the past -- but given the source, I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.  My advice -- you shouldn't cancel your Florida vacation just yet.

Book Report of the Gods

Just when you thought it was safe to go into Barnes & Noble, now we have news that Erich von Däniken has released a new book.

Von Däniken, you may remember, is the bestselling author of Chariots of the Gods, Gold of the Gods, Signs of the Gods, The Return of the Gods, The Arrival of the Gods, The Miracles of the Gods, Twilight of the Gods, and Home Repair Tips of the Gods.

Okay, I made the last one up.  I doubt The Gods know anything much about home repair, given that most of the ancient temples I've seen are pretty much ruins, and very few have flush toilets.  You'd think, being The Gods and all, they'd have seen fit to equip their houses with a few simple amenities, but generally, they seem to have been content with the Large Chunks Of Rock Piled Up style of architecture.

In any case, the new release by von Däniken isn't exactly new, it's a revised edition of his earlier book Odyssey of the Gods.  However, given that we're talking von Däniken here, it probably doesn't matter.  It's not like he's notorious for new ideas, or anything.  In this particular book, von Däniken argues that the Greek gods were real, and were extraterrestrials.  However, you probably remember that this was basically what he argued about Ra, Osiris, Kuan Yin, Quetzalcoatl, Thor, Shiva, and virtually every other deity that humans have ever come up with.  So my general reaction was:  *yawn*

Until, that is, I read an interview with Philip Coppens, who has himself released a new book (The Ancient Alien Question) and was interviewed by Linda Moulton Howe about his ideas, which largely were inspired by von Däniken.  The interview is itself worth reading, because it's hilarious.  For one thing, Howe's questions are PRINTED ALL IN CAPS, and Coppens' answers aren't, so it sounds like the interview went like this:

Howe (shouting at the top of her lungs): SO, PHILIP, TELL US ABOUT YOUR NEW BOOK.

Coppens (meekly):  Well, Linda, it's about the idea that extraterrestrials...

Howe:  YOU GOT A LOT OF YOUR IDEAS FROM ERICH VON DANIKEN, DIDN'T YOU?

Coppens: ... actually, that's what I was just about to say to you, that Erich and I...

Howe:  YOU THINK THE GREEK GODS WERE ALL ALIENS, RIGHT?

Coppens:  ... there is considerable evidence that the deities worshiped in Ancient Greece were...

Howe:  LIKE ZEUS?  AND POSEIDON?  AND ALL OF THOSE OTHER GUYS?

Coppens:  ... yes, those are the ones.  We believe that they may have been...

Howe:  WELL, THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.  MY GUEST HAS BEEN PHILIP COPPENS.


The other thing that strikes me is that Coppens goes to great lengths to state (in between Howe's screaming at him) that he doesn't believe that Plato and Aristotle and so on were extraterrestrials; no, that would be ridiculous.  He believes that Zeus and Hera and all were extraterrestrials, and they were the ancestors of the Greeks, including Plato and Aristotle.  As proof of this conjecture, he points out that the royal lineages of many of the ancient Greek kingdoms lead back to some god or another, and when you look at the ancient Egyptian lineages, they do too.  And so, in fact, do the Celtic royal genealogies, and the Japanese ones!  

Well, q.e.d., as far as I can tell.  

You might be asking yourself at this juncture, what about the fact that each of these mythologies are different, and therefore mutually contradictory, and therefore presumably couldn't all be true simultaneously?  Well, neither Coppens nor von Däniken ever answers that directly, but they are clearly pointing at the idea that ancient humans saw these extraterrestrials in their ships, and the extraterrestrials accomplished a few things, namely:  (1) building lots of big stone monuments without running water; (2) convincing the humans that they were gods; and (3) having lots of sex with human women, thereby "improving" the pathetic human gene pool and giving rise to the Golden Age of Civilization.  Then the extraterrestrials took off, and haven't been back much since, not even to pay child support.  And the humans then told stories about their noble godlike alien ancestors, and human memory being what it is, they variously misremembered what they'd seen as a half-naked guy with a trident (Poseidon), a one-eyed giant who rides an eight-legged horse (Odin), or a giant feathered snake (Quetzalcoatl).  

You can see how that confusion could occur.

And based on this, we are supposed to buy that everything the archaeologists have said is wrong.  In Coppens' words:

I think the most important thing and what Erich would like everyone to take with them is that history as we know it is wrong! We have compressed way too much into an all-too-short timeline and also we have excluded so many things from our history books because we felt they were anomalous and we assumed they were made up, science fiction.

In fact, one of von Däniken's books is called History is Wrong, which is notable not only for the immense chutzpah evidenced in the title, but also for being the only book he ever wrote whose title doesn't mention The Gods.

Anyhow, that's our book report for the day.  Myself, I think I'm going to pass on the second edition of Odyssey of the Gods.  For one thing, I'm waiting for my copy of von Däniken's 2010 release Twilight of the Gods: The Mayan Calendar and the Return of the Extraterrestrials, which is due out in paperback soon.  For another, I'm more concerned about the impending attack by aliens from the planet Gootan, which you can read about here.  You'd think that if Zeus was real, he'd at least give some thought to protecting his progeny from angry Gootanians.  It's the least a parent can do.

Woo-woo news updates

There has been quite a flurry of activity of late here at Worldwide Wacko Watch.

First, we have a report from Hong Kong about a growing market for haunted apartments.

Apparently, there is a widespread superstition (certainly not limited to China) about living in places where violence has occurred.  In China, buildings like this are called hongza (from the Cantonese hong, meaning "calamity," and za, meaning "residence").  The housing market in Hong Kong has cooled significantly in the last few years, leaving investors looking for any way they can to make money.  So, the idea is to purchase hongza property at a discount (up to 20% in some cases) and then rent the apartments at full price to people who don't share the superstitions -- often foreigners.

This has led to advertisements such as the following:

For sale: Yuen Long apartment building.  36-year-old female secondary school teacher faced a marriage crisis, jumped off the building after sending a text message to her husband.  Call for price range.

Apparently, the belief is that hongza only lasts so long; the bad vibes eventually wear off.  So presumably, you could buy at a discount, rent it for a while to unsuspecting foreigners who don't mind being tormented by ghosts of falling secondary school teachers, and then sell the building once the hongza has gone away.

You have to wonder how long it takes.  Five years?  Ten?  Twenty?  Do the ghosts eventually get tired and move on to greener pastures?


If so, that's more than you can say for the Irish fairies, who apparently have a shelf life of over 4,000 years.

Just ask Sean Quinn.  Quinn, a businessman who was once Ireland's wealthiest citizen (with a net worth of eight billion dollars) is down to $15,000 in his bank account.  Most folks think that Quinn's downfall was due to speculation in doomed Anglo-Irish Bank shares, but Quinn's neighbor, pub owner Toirbhealach Lyons, begs to differ.

Quinn's problems, Lyons says, began when he was expanding a quarry owned by Quinn Concrete, and applied for (and got) permission to move a Megalithic monument called the Aughrim Wedge Tomb.  The tomb was moved, stone by stone, to Quinn's Slieve Russell Hotel.  That action, Lyons said, seriously pissed off the fairies, who responded by destroying Quinn's empire.

“I’m a big supporter of Sean Quinn because of what he has done for this area but that tomb should never have been moved,” Lyons, the owner of Molly Maguire’s Pub in Ballyconnell, told the Irish Independent.

One has to wonder if Quinn agrees, or if he agrees with his more prosaic neighbor, butcher Gerard Crowe, who told the Independent that Lyons' beliefs were "a load of auld rubbish."  And it also makes me wonder if Crowe should be a little more careful about labeling himself a non-believer, given what happened to Quinn.


On the topic of labeling, we will conclude today with Georgia factory worker Billy E. Hyatt, who was fired from the Pliant Corporation plant near Dalton for refusing to wear the Mark of the Beast on his shirt.

At least, that's his side of it.  The company has a long-standing tradition of having its workers each day wear stickers proclaiming how long it's been since the factory has had a lost-time accident.  As the number of days since the last accident got into the 600s, Hyatt began to worry.

When Hyatt approached a manager, telling him he wouldn't wear a sticker saying "666" because it would mean he would go to hell, the manager said that of course he wouldn't have to.  But when the day of the Festival of Satanic Worship and Workplace Safety arrived, company officials changed their minds -- and Hyatt was given a three-day suspension.  When Hyatt objected (loudly), he was fired.

Hyatt sued, claiming his religious beliefs were not being respected.

Okay, on the one hand, I can say: it was a sticker.  What was the big deal about letting the guy not have to wear the sticker for one day?  It seems to fall clearly into the "choose your battles" department.  On the other hand, to what extent are business owners required to "respect" the wacky beliefs of their employees?  If I told my principal that I belonged to the Church of the Sacred Chicken, and every Thursday was required by my religion to walk around with a live rooster on my head, would he be violating my rights by telling me I couldn't?  We have the (true) case of the Pastafarian in Austria who petitioned for years to have his drivers' license photo taken with a spaghetti strainer on his head -- and finally won.

All of which is well and good, and I know that the Pastafarians are a parody group (devotees of the Flying Spaghetti Monster), and he was just trying to make a point.  But really -- at what point does common sense and rationality prevail?

Evidently never.  Pliant Corporation is now in a legal battle, with a lawsuit pending that asks for damages and back pay for Hyatt, who was faced with a decision to "comply or abandon his religious beliefs."  I strongly suspect Hyatt will win.

Which leaves me with one final thought: what sort of rooster should I wear on my head?  I'm thinking Buff Orpington.  They're kind of stylish, and the tan color match my skin tone and hair color, don't you think?

Your verbal recognition system in love

Looking for a potential romantic interest, but maybe a little scared of making the wrong decision?  Have you been burned in the past by falling for someone who has turned out to be a poor match?

Fear no longer.  Science has stepped in to help.

It's been known for some time that the brain's chemistry changes profoundly when you fall in love.  Levels of two neurotransmitters, dopamine and oxytocin, make dramatic surges; the latter is sometimes called the "cuddle hormone" because it is released in large quantities when you kiss, snuggle, or have sex.  The whole thing seems to prime us for pair bonding.  But how do we know if our brain is fixating on the right person?

Allow me to introduce you to BrainDesire.  This site claims, by a simple test, to be able to tell you if the person you're considering is the right one for you.  The idea is that your brain's detection of emotional content in verbal information will change how that verbal information is perceived -- and measuring that perception can give an important clue as to how powerful the emotional content is.  In practice, what BrainDesire does is to flash the name of a potential partner at you, and then a group of letters.  Your task is to click the left arrow key if it's an English word, and the right arrow key if it's nonsense.

Intrigued, I took the test, using my wife's name.  I noticed that a lot of the words were ones associated with romance; "passion," "kiss," "love," "intimacy."  A few seemed random (like "shop" -- although that one elicits in me feelings of anxiety).  After clicking through about a hundred words and non-words, I got the following result:

At this moment in time, Carol hasn’t left a mark on your brain that is significant enough to be detected here and reported as an absolute intensity. It can however be compared with someone else’s mark on your brain, thereby offering you insight for choosing the right partner. For instance, the test could reveal that although Carol’s lasting mark on your brain is too mild for being reliably quantified yet, it is already double as intense as someone else’s mark on your brain.

So, I decided to compare my response from Carol's name to that from my ex-wife's.

Now, without going into unpleasant details that my reading public probably does not want to know in any case, my relationship with my ex-wife was not a good one.  It was, to put not too fine a point on it, sixteen years that I would be extremely reluctant to repeat.  So I did the test with the two names...

... and BrainDesire still couldn't detect a difference.

Me, I'm becoming skeptical.  Either my ability to tell the difference between English words and phonetic blobs like "psourghed" isn't what it should be, or else the test doesn't work on me.  Because if this thing can't tell the difference between two people, one of whom I am happily married to and the other of whom is a major contributory factor to my being on high blood pressure medication, then I think that the test is patent horse waste.

This, of course, is just my experience with it, and hardly qualifies as a rigorous scientific test.  And maybe I should have had a cup of coffee between trying to tell the difference between "passion" and "thnirks;" heaven knows that I need caffeine infusions to do anything even moderately useful in the morning.  But I think that if you want to figure out which of your two current romantic interests is The One, you're going to have to get the information a different way other than BrainDesire.  Given my results, it seems like tossing a coin might be an equally accurate way to proceed.