Skeptophilia (skep-to-fil-i-a) (n.) - the love of logical thought, skepticism, and thinking critically. Being an exploration of the applications of skeptical thinking to the world at large, with periodic excursions into linguistics, music, politics, cryptozoology, and why people keep seeing the face of Jesus on grilled cheese sandwiches.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Aural hygiene

Are you feeling grumpy lately?  Not sleeping well?  Irritable and nervous?  Forget stress as the cause of your problems; it also isn't insomnia, problems at home, or a crazy work schedule.

No, the problem is that your aura is dirty.  (Source)

Now, you may be asking yourself: given that auras don't exist, how did mine get dirty?  And however will I get it clean again?

Like with many things, the key to both is diligence.  According to the author of the above-linked article, there are many ways your aura can get dirty, to wit:
  • Entering a room in which an argument had just taken place.
  • Being shouted at by your boss.
  • Accidentally poking someone on the street.
  • Having someone wish that you were dead.
  • Being cursed by an old lady because you have a tattoo.
There are several things that I find funny about this list.  First, these are the only five reasons listed, and they seem like an odd collection.  I mean, we have two things that probably happen on a daily basis (being near the site of a past argument, and being bumped on the street by someone) with something that hopefully never happens (someone wishing you dead).  And second -- an old lady cursing you because you have a tattoo?   What the hell?  I have two tattoos, and thus far I have escaped being cursed by old ladies, although I did have one once say to me, "I don't know why anyone would do that to his own body."  I came within a hairsbreadth of giving her a diabolical look and saying, "Because no one else's body was handy at the time."  I resisted, which is probably a good thing, because comments like that can be rather difficult to explain to the police.

But I digress.

So, we've established that it's all too easy, even if you have no tattoos, to get schmutz on your aura.  This can result in a variety of bad things happening, including:
  • Your will could become weaker.
  • You could become less sensitive to "energies."  Whatever that means.
  • You could become a target for "astral attacks."  Whatever that means.
  • You could be a source of contagious aura-schmutz for others.
As a result, it is "mandatory" (according to the article) that we all practice regular aura-cleansing.  And we're not talking about some Windex and a few paper towels, here; we're talking full-on woo-woo stuff, like burning incense, using a candle to burn away the "negative energies," or rubbing salt all over your skin.  (And if you do go with the salt, make sure to flush it down the toilet afterwards -- we can't have salt with psychic dirt on it hanging around in the trash, where anyone could touch it and get infected themselves.)  To me, though, this last one sounds a bit uncomfortable, but the article does say that if you have a mild case of aura-schmutz, simply visualizing your aura getting clean while you're taking a shower can be enough. 

And that's the problem with all of this, isn't it? All it requires is that you have a good enough imagination, and the whole thing works like a charm.  You don't have to make any real changes in your life, or (heaven forfend) get medical attention or help from a counselor; all you have to do is click your heels together three times and say, "There's no place like home," and you're all set.


  1. I'm really enjoying your posts every time. I must say i feel some kind of sympathy towards the woo-woo's. Apart from witchburning in Africa and moneyhungry impostors Bigfoots and elves etc. seem pretty harmless. It's a kind of mythical thinking that does serve a purpose to these people. Don't let it interfere with your sceptical mind though.

  2. *looks into mirror* "...because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and... dog gone it, people like me!"

    My dog had to have anesthesia for her annual dental cleaning. She doesn't do well with anesthesia (we're not going to put her under again unless it's life-saving) I spent the weekend purging my "aura of persistent dog vomit" with a ritual that I've been using for as long as I can remember. I wet my hands in the Water of Life, apply a small amount of Dial Cleansing Serum, perform the Lather of Ages, then wet my hands again with the Water of Life and dry my newly purified hands with the Towel of Enlightenment.

    ...and you can't take care of a drugged-up, doe-eyed spew-factory of a dog if you're own aura is dirty.

    ...and let me also remind everyone that, in spite of the fact that I am a human currently living my own life at the same time you are living yours, I have already mastered the Universe and you should follow me around all day and do EXACTLY what I do, or else you won't live a happy life. Thank you, drive thru.