Skeptophilia (skep-to-fil-i-a) (n.) - the love of logical thought, skepticism, and thinking critically. Being an exploration of the applications of skeptical thinking to the world at large, with periodic excursions into linguistics, music, politics, cryptozoology, and why people keep seeing the face of Jesus on grilled cheese sandwiches.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Squatching by telepathy

I saw a friend of mine at a music gathering this weekend, and the subject of Skeptophilia came up.  And of course, whenever this blog is mentioned, the topic of Bigfoot can't be far behind.

"Have you heard about the latest in 'squatching?'" she asked me.

"No, what now?" I said.

"Getting into psychic contact with Bigfoot," she replied, grinning.  "You can ditch all of the heavy cameras and parabolic mikes and all -- you just connect to Bigfoot telepathically."

I just stared at her for a moment.  "Are you kidding me?" I said, only leaving out the non-PG-13-rated intensifier because I didn't want to offend anyone.

"Nope.  It's the latest thing."

So, I decided to look into it, and knowing that I was risking thousands of precious cells in my prefrontal cortex, I did a search for "telepathic Bigfoot research."  And, lo, what should come up but a site titled... Telepathic Bigfoot Research.

The author of the article, whose name appeared nowhere on the site that I could find, begins by giving a nod to ordinary Bigfoot researchers:
There are many non-telepathic Bigfoot researchers on the job, trying to get that physical proof. The Bigfoot research scene resembles a huge tumble-jumble of people racing to be the one great almighty Bigfoot researcher with a gold star, who will go down in history as the discoverer of the Sasquatch species.
Why, however, has this not provided any results?  The answer, the author says, is obvious:
For years Bigfoot researchers have been trying to reach Bigfoot by tromping through the forest, knocking on trees, and playing prerecorded Bigfoot screams. Unfortunately these methods haven’t been fruitful. When a Bigfoot hears Bigfoot researchers coming through the forest its instincts tell it to hide. If they do a mind probe, if they are in fact capable of that, they know that these people have Bigfoot on the mind. That would immediately set up the vibration of fear and suspicion. What telepathy can do is to head fear off at the pass. It can be the pre-contact communication that lets a Bigfoot know we mean no harm, if in fact you mean no harm. If you did mean harm, the telepathic Bigfoot would pick up that vibe.
So, we should telepathically inform Bigfoot that we're harmless?  This is not something I'd want to tell an eight-foot-tall, 350-pound proto-hominid composed predominantly of hair and muscle.  Seems to me that the first thing to establish, before "tromping through the forest," is that Bigfoot is harmless, and is not intending on turning us into meat loaf.  And in any case, if Bigfoot is capable of doing a "mind probe," why does it matter if we try to get into telepathic contact with him?  If he's as psychically adept as all that, he could do some kind of Sasquatch Mind-Meld with us, figure out that we're just peaceful "squatchers" who are trying to establish contact with him, study his species, and determine where he fits on the hominid family tree.

And then he'd turn us into meat loaf.

Of course, if Bigfoot is telepathic, you have to wonder why we're not, given how closely related humans and Bigfoots allegedly are.  But the author answers that, too:
I believe Sasquatches are closer to that condition [mystical consciousness] than human beings are because they are not distracted by electronica – the computers, iPhones, televisions, cars, the chaotic hustle-bustle of human existence. City streets. Telephones. And the list goes on. Rather than face a confusing civilization they live in the forest, probably in caves, and they have PEACE.
I bet if you'd known that it was robbing you of the ability to be telepathic, you'd never have started playing FarmVille in the first place.

So, the answer is to hire a psychic to help you find Bigfoot.  The psychic should accompany you into the woods, establish telepathic contact, and ask Bigfoot if the two of you can get together for coffee:
A psychic can contact a nearby Bigfoot and ask for a face-to-face meeting. I will be honest, the most likely answer to that is “no”. But it doesn’t hurt to ask. As with habituation, it is better to create an ongoing communication telepathically before physical contact is attempted. The purpose is to promote trust and a mutually agreed upon meeting experience.
And, of course, you can understand Bigfoot's reluctance to meet with us.  It's not like we have all that great a track record with respect to treatment of other animal species.  It'd be tragic if, during the first, tentative meeting with a Bigfoot, the researcher thought about the fact that in the state of Alaska, it's legal to hunt wolves from helicopters, and the Bigfoot picked it up during a mind probe.  You can see how that would put a damper on things.

The author concludes by encouraging you to get involved with telepathic Bigfoot research, but he includes a cautionary note:
If you want to start investigating Bigfoot via telepathic means you will have to do it on your own. There are no workshops or classes for this. Development of psychic ability is something that is done quietly, by listening. Get some good books on psychic development. Experiment with your accuracy ratio. Meditate. Before long you’ll be able to discern the unspoken, unheard words that exist beyond the chatter of your own mind.
So, if you're meditating one day, and in your mind you hear the lonesome howling of the Sasquatch, you'll know what's happened.  You've established first contact, and it's now your duty to pursue that link and follow where it goes.  I recommend that your first stop should be a mental health professional.


  1. I used my psychic abilities to discover the author's name: Linda Jo Martin. Thought you'd be impressed.

    1. Impressive! Musta missed it somehow. I guess my psychic ability needs some work.

  2. Maybe if you slept occasionally...

  3. Sleep? I've found that after 48 hours of no sleep or more, my psychic visions are their strongest.

  4. Someone should squatch this silly Bigfoot nonsense.

    If you're gonna crap in the woods, dig a hole before you squatch.

    The best way to pick a color for your bedroom is to thumb through some color squatches.

    REI is having a sale on squatch rackets.

    "Woah! That dude just got totally squatched on!"

    "What the squatch are you doing? ...Squatchin' idiot!"