If you needed further evidence that whoever is controlling the simulation we're all trapped in has gotten drunk and/or stoned, and now they're just fucking with us, today we have: giant shadow aliens visiting a mall in Miami.
The event in question took place over a month ago, so I have to apologize for being a half a measure behind the rest of the orchestra, here. On the other hand, since then the story has taken on a life of its own, and has grown way beyond the original claim, which was bizarre enough. Apparently on January 1, some rowdy teens started a large brawl at Bayside Marketplace, so the police were called in. This isn't anything unusual for Miami, so you'd think it'd have passed for business as usual, but then someone -- no one seems quite sure who -- got on social media and claimed that the police weren't there to handle some teenage brawlers, but to deal with "eight to ten foot tall shadow aliens."
This would be eye-opening even by south Florida standards. Oddly enough, despite the fact that everybody and his dog now has a phone capable of taking high-quality photographs, no one seems to have snapped a pic of these aliens. So of course, very quickly people realized that it was just a stupid rumor, there were no aliens, and everyone calmed down and went home, chuckling about how silly they'd all been.
Ha-ha, just kidding! Of course that's not what happened. What happened is that the rumor exploded that the police had prevented people from photographing the aliens, even resorting to confiscating and/or destroying people's phones. Or that the aliens were "interdimensional space beings" who could not be photographed. Possibly both. The Miami Police Department issued a statement that it had "just been an altercation between about fifty juveniles," adding, "There were no aliens, UFOs, or ETs. No airports were closed, and there were no power outages," and followed it up with the facepalm emoji.
Which accomplished exactly nothing. Because why would the police be denying it if it weren't true?
Inescapable logic, that.
I think we can all agree that given the evidence, there's only one possible conclusion: we are seeing the return of the Nephilim, as hath been foretold in the Bible, and the police are under orders from the Illuminati to make sure that no one finds out.
You may think I'm making this up, but this claim went off on social media like some hundred-megaton stupidity bomb. "Let's talk about these creatures that supposedly are UFOs," said one TikToker. "If you're a Christian you should already know. These UFOs are fallen angels. Remember, the devil's main goal is to make sure you don't believe he is real, and that Jesus is also not real. This is just a warning that time is running out, and you better get close to Jesus." One guy calling himself "the Apostle Preston," who on the video appeared to be tuning into God via an earpiece, said, "I hear you, Lord. Tell the people there will be sightings of giants. Giants that have been in hiding. There will be sightings of them. He said, 'But tell my people also not to fear. Because what's going to happen is that when these giants are sighted, there will be great fear among men, and many of you will forget who your God is.' This is why you need to be in a place of preparation." A TikToker called -- I swear I'm not making this up -- "endtimelady" did a long video about how the aliens in Miami are actually Nephilim but they're also demons, and they're going to come out and terrorize us. Oh, and we should be careful to control our thoughts, because they're telepathic. "This is going to get more and more common," she said. "Because we're in the End Times."
I guess if your handle is "endtimelady" you gotta bring that up somehow.
My favorite, though, is the guy who kept saying, "Why is nobody talking about this?" when, in fact, every lunatic on social media seems to be doing nothing but talking about this.
It's been a month and a half since the incident took place, and it's showing no signs of slowing down. You'd think that questions like, "Where have the giant aliens been hiding since January 1?" and "If the powers-that-be are so desperate to prevent anyone from finding out about this, how are there videos and posts by the tens of thousands all over the internet, and no one's doing anything about it?" would come to people's minds. Not to mention, "Why am I paying any attention to the crazed ramblings of people who obviously have a pound and a half of Malt-O-Meal where the rest of us have a brain?"
But this is social media, where everything's made up, and logic and evidence don't matter.
Anyhow. You might want to keep an eye out for giant shadowy aliens. Seems like they'd be hard to miss, but you never know. I'm going to place my three dogs on High Red Alert Mode, usually reserved for Extreme Danger Situations like the arrival of the UPS guy. So we'll all be watching for new developments. If "endtimelady" is right and these are the End Times, I'd actually be thrilled, because I live in rural upstate New York and it's kind of boring around here. The arrival of the Scarlet Whore of Babylon and the Four Apocalyptic Horsepersons and the Beast With Seven Heads And Ten Crowns would be a welcome relief from the monotony.
On the other hand, if my initial take is correct and none of it is real and it is the result of superintelligent beings messing around with the computer simulation we're in, y'all just need to stop. In the last few years the weirdness dial has already been turned up to eleven, and I think that's about all we can cope with, down here. So y'all just sober up and simmer down, okay?