The return of Lieutenant Kijé

Ever heard the story of Lieutenant Kijé?

He's the subject of a 1927 comic film made in the Soviet Union.  Set in the time of Tsar Paul I, it's the tale of a visit by the Tsar to a military outpost.  One night, the Tsar is awakened by a noise -- it's the sound of one of the officers getting a little too frisky with a young woman in an adjoining room -- and when the regiment commander is confronted about the outrage the next morning, he blames it on a (nonexistent) "Lieutenant Kijé."  ("Kijé" is a slang word meaning approximately the same thing as "whatchamacallit.")  The indignant Tsar demands to meet with this errant officer -- so the panicked commander says he can't, the matter is already settled, Kijé is in the brig and will be shipped off to Siberia.

Soon after, however, the real culprit's identity comes out, and the Tsar demands that the commander not only release and apologize to the wronged Lieutenant Kijé, but promote him to the rank of colonel.  Repeated requests by the Tsar to meet Kijé result in more and more elaborate stories made up about him explaining why this can't happen -- first that Kijé was on leave because he was getting married to the lovely Princess Gagarina, then because he's away at battle (which, of course, results in a brilliant triumph).  Finally, though, the whole house of cards can't be sustained any longer.  The Tsar demands to meet this valiant pinnacle of an officer so he can personally promote him to general.

The commander and the others who are in on the lie have no choice.  They invent one final story -- that the brave Colonel Kijé has tragically died a heroic death in battle.  Sad as it is to have to tell His Majesty the Tsar, there will never be an opportunity to meet this exemplary soldier in person.

The story only became known outside of Russia because of the absolutely delightful score for the film written by the brilliant Sergei Prokofiev -- the Lieutenant Kijé Suite is still a staple of the classical orchestral repertoire today.

I started thinking about the story Lieutenant Kijé this morning because of our own Tsar, Donald Trump.

If you watched the State of the Union address -- or, if (like me) you read excerpts because you can only listen to Trump's voice for about fifteen seconds without wanting to remove your ears, with a cheese grater if it's the only thing handy -- you probably know that he babbled on (and on and on) about government waste, citing eight million dollars that had been spent to "create transgender mice."  I probably don't need to tell you that this was an idiotic error.  The mice weren't transgender, they were transgenic.  Transgenic organisms are ones that have been genetically modified, in this case to engineer their immune systems to respond more like a human's would.  Transgenic organisms are a staple of medical research, especially into cancer, asthma, and autoimmune diseases.

Transgender mice, on the other hand, do not exist.

Naturally, anyone with an IQ higher than their hat size laughed directly into Trump's face for making such a moronic pronouncement (and in the State of the Union address, no less, in front of literally millions of watchers).  So what do you think his advisors did in response?  Issue some kind of "the President misspoke, and we'd like to correct it" statement?

Ha.  Of course not.  They started frantically going through every scrap of research involving mice they could find to see if they could come up with one that had anything to do with gender.  There's no way they could tell Tsar Donald he'd fucked up.

All they found was an obscure 2019 study that had to do with the role of stress in sexual development in mice, and said, basically, "Here it is!  This is what he was talking about!"  Never mind that (1) it was definitely not what he was talking about, (2) the 2019 study itself was published during Trump's first term, so hardly can be used as an example of wasteful spending today, (3) it still has nothing to do with mice (or anyone else) being transgender, and (4) Trump is so catastrophically stupid there's no way he's even capable of reading and understanding a scientific abstract, much less an academic paper in its entirety.

Then, when people pointed out the above, they doubled down again.  (Tripled down?)  They put out an official statement that yes, Biden did so waste money on transgender mice.  You ready for the studies they cited?

• a study to find out if hormone therapy affects the immune response in patients with HIV
• a study looking at how steroid hormone administration affects fertility
• a study of the effects of testosterone on breast cancer susceptibility
• a study of how hormone administration affects the microbiome
• a study of how reproductive hormones affect neurological development in embryos
• a study of how reproductive hormones affect asthma

All of that justifiable medical research.  None of it having anything to do with "making mice transgender."  The only connection with being transgender is that some of the hormones under study are the ones used in gender transition in humans.

So it's another reprehensible attack using the current furor over LGBTQ+ people to whip up the base, and has only a glancing connection to the truth.  But Trump's cronies had to keep defending it, because how else were they to keep up the appearance that the Tsar knows what he's talking about, and appease the "Trump Was Right About Everything!" crowd?

It's the same colossally ignorant approach that "DOGE" has used -- purging projects involving keywords (or syllables) like "diversity" and "trans" and accidentally trashing projects studying things like biodiversity and transnational terrorism.  There have now been at least three instances of mass firings that have led to the people in charge going "Oopsie" and trying to rehire the fired workers with only partial success -- at the FAA, the nuclear weapons oversight team at the Department of Energy, and the Center for Disease Control.

The bottom line is that the people now running the government aren't just greedy and amoral, they're fundamentally, deeply, and irrevocably stupid.  And -- like the Tsar in Lieutenant Kijé -- they have surrounded themselves by sycophantic toadies who are afraid to stand up and say, "Wait a moment.  You can't make that claim, it's false."  Or, in the case of "DOGE," that maybe hiring a bunch of hackers and then running around the place with a chainsaw is not the way to approach pulling back the reins on wasteful spending.

But I fear that the farce will continue.  When you're dealing with a man who has a bloated ego, has never been given a single meaningful consequence for wrongdoing in his entire life, has a whipcrack temper, and is in one of the most powerful elected positions in the world, we're going to see more of this kind of behavior.  All we can do is to continue to use our voices as strongly as we are able, and call out this sort of nonsense whenever we see it or hear it.

And keep in mind that even the tsars, as powerful as they were, did not last forever.

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